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The Biopsy: TMI beneath the cut

Not for the faint of heart or those who don't like reading about ultrasound probes inserted into various cavities.

Over the last 6 months, my PSA (Prostate-specific Antigen) has gone up .7 (they like it below 4, and mine went from 3.9 to 4.6). Add to that some physical symptoms, and my doc and I decided I should see a specialist.

He did some poking and prodding (always so much fun, but after today I don't think I'll ever mind a DRE again,) and recommend a biopsy because he thought he felt what he charitably termed a "slight irregularity".

So today I went in to do the deed. First, a joke:

A man went to his doctor complaining about constipation, and asked for a laxative. The doctor gave him a little baggie with some dried palm fronds, and said "Make some tea out of this and drink it at bedtime. Call me in the morning and let me know how it worked."

"Really?" asked the man.

"Yes," said the doctor, I like to go natural whenever I can. Trust me."

Next morning, the man called the doctor and reported that he had never felt so cleaned out.

"Yes," replied the doctor. "With fronds like those, who needs enemas?"

Unfortunately, I had to use a Fleet's the morning of the procedure. Wow, wasn't that fun?

When I got to the procedure room, this is what greeted me:

And here was the instrument table:

Implements of destruction, that's what. At least, so I thought. I had no idea...

So first the doc comes in and does the local anaesthesia. You know how it feels when you get novocaine? Yeah, like that - only worse. Despite the topical cream, the "little poke" felt like a bloody 8-inch hot needle probing my tender regions. After a bit, things started to go numb... just like when your foot goes to sleep, except in the wrong place.

Doc went away and I took a snooze on the exam table, covered only with a thin paper sheet. I was tired enough that I didn't mind.

By the time doc came back in, I felt like the numbing was starting to go away, but I didn't say anything because I had no idea what I was supposed to feel. And away we went.

Doc inserted a battering ram into my lower regions and - surprisingly - it wasn't as bad as I thought... I guess I was still a bit numb. At least until he started taking the samples. You know what it feels like to be stung by a yellowjacket, those nasty little vikings of the insect world? Yeah, just like that. Except inside, where things are never supposed to go. Twelve times. To make matters worse, his gun didn't work every time, so it took longer than it should have. By the time he got down to the last two, I was ready for sweet, sweet death.

Fortunately, I survived. Doc said he found nothing untoward from the ultrasound images, but I should have the pathology back on Monday or Tuesday.

Here's the notes he left up on the screen after he left. This breaks every HIPAA regulation there is, except they are my records so I can share them if I bloody well please:

From what I can tell, it basically means "prostate slightly enlarged but otherwise normal."

They took my vitals, let me get dressed, took my vitals again, and let me go home, but I was as sore as you might expect. The goodwoman of the house drove me home, I took a Lortab, and got into bed. It took about an hour of being really, really sore, and then the Whee! painkiller kicked in Whee! and I was wrapped in the arms of Morpheus for 3 hours or so.

Wife had an appointment for a massage in the afternoon, but before she left she fed me some divine chicken soup, and then I dropped back into oblivion for another couple of hours. Later that evening I was treated to grilled cheese sandwiches, and angel food cake with strawberries and whipped cream.

I was supposed to work at 6, but I could see the writing on the wall (or the engraving on the intestinal lining) and arranged for a sub.

It's now 9:48 PM, the oxywhatever has worn off, and I'm feeling acceptable. I'll just take a couple of Tylenol before bed and that will probably be enough. The Lortab is way too powerful unless I really need it - the only other time I ever took it was for a kidney stone.

Keeping my fingers crossed that the pathology comes back negative. But what is, is.

What a fun day it's been!


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Apr. 28th, 2012 03:55 am (UTC)
Psst... Your code is showing.
Never mind you fixed it. Sorry.

Edited at 2012-04-28 03:55 am (UTC)
Apr. 28th, 2012 03:56 am (UTC)
Sure as hqiz wasn't the only thing that was showing today.
Apr. 28th, 2012 04:00 am (UTC)
*gentle squishes*
I feel your pain. I've been there. I have had an upper and lower scope done on the same day. Thankfully I was under full anesthesia for it.
Apr. 28th, 2012 10:12 pm (UTC)
Thanks, friend!
Apr. 28th, 2012 07:57 am (UTC)
The dreaded "Buts"
I went through similar but milder when I had my man-boobs biopsied. I don't kow how many times I heard

"It's not cancer, but..."

"I don't think it's anything, but..."

"It's not serious, but..."

Here's hoping your "But" comes to nothing.
Apr. 28th, 2012 10:12 pm (UTC)
Re: The dreaded "Buts"
Thank'ee kindly sir!
Apr. 28th, 2012 08:37 am (UTC)
I had fleeting memories of my fullbody cavity search earlier this year. I think I'm thankful that I did not check the hornet option.

Best wishes that there will be no "I'm sorry, ..." or ", but ..." involved.

Edited at 2012-04-28 08:38 am (UTC)
Apr. 28th, 2012 10:12 pm (UTC)
Besten Dank!
Apr. 30th, 2012 10:54 am (UTC)
All the best with it mate!
Apr. 30th, 2012 04:06 pm (UTC)
Good luck, friend.


The Old Wolf

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