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A New Kind of Nigerian Spam

Horrors! My life has been threatened! I have left the communication intact, with all its grammatical glories unredacted for your gratuitous enjoyment.





From: jerrycastle20@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Paid to kill you...
Reply to: j.wk007@yahoo.com

Hello
I am Alexis,Someone you call your friend wants you dead and have paid me to terminate you.It is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don't comply. As you can see there is no need for me introducing myself to you because I don't have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to (KILL YOU ) and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.

I know that you have your own family and you are living happily and you are not ready to die yet your friend did not pay me much to carry out the Job. I can terminate this deal only if you can pay me the sum of $7,500, after this payment, I promise to guide you from any arm and callmy boys to stop tracking you where ever you are.

I called my client back and ask him of your email address which I didn't tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing to you now my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you.As someone has paid us to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your life, $7,500 is all you need to spend, You will first of all pay $4,000 then I will send a tape to you which i recorded every discussion I hide with the person who wanted you dead and as soon as you get the tape, you will pay the remaining $3,500. If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up. Write me back as soon as you get my mail so I can tell you the neccessary steps to take.

FROM THE DESK OF MR Alexis Bailey.




I don't usually take the time to respond cogently to such things; usually I send the Lads from Lagos a raft of curses from their favorite mystical magical man, Olumba Olumba Obu. This time, however, I was prompted to respond in a different manner, for what reason I know not.



Dear "Alexis,"

I am sorry for you. Very, very sorry. I'm sorry your life has been so wretched and miserable that you have to resort to scamming people instead of working for a living. I'm sorry if conditions in Lagos (I'm assuming that's where you are, but it doesn't really matter) are so bad that there's no work. But that doesn't change the fact that you're a pathetic criminal. If you look around you, wherever you are in the world you will find people who live in the same conditions, but who have given their lives to the forces of Good. Some call it God, some call it Jesus, some call it the good of Humanity - it matters not. They have found peace with themselves and with their fellow men, and strive to do the best they can in whatever situation they find themselves.

I admonish you to do the same. Find someone who has found God, or someone who seems truly happy doing good. Ask them what they did, and then do it yourself. You'll be much better off. For myself, I have a Christian walk, and so even on the far, far off chance that someone actually did want to kill me, I would not pay a dime to them... my garments have been washed clean in the blood of Christ and I am free. Whether I live here or there, it matters not. You, on the other hand, would find that the consequences of your foolishness are very painful, and very eternal. Even if you don't believe in God or an afterlife, there's always Karma: What you put out into the universe always comes back to you. Good for good, evil for evil. Keep this ugly scamming up, and it will come around and bite you, hard.

Think about it.

Sincerest regards,

Simplot Q. Analemma

PS: if your "boys" are really following me, reply immediately with what I am wearing today, and I might just think differently about your proposal. But I'm not holding my breath.


Odds that this response will provoke any change in this blackhearted scoundrel? About seven jillionteen to one. Then again, one never knows.


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Comments

kelloggs2066
Nov. 9th, 2011 11:13 pm (UTC)
Aren't threats actually a crime?
Joke or not, maybe this ought to be forwarded to the FBI?
deckardcanine
Nov. 10th, 2011 02:37 pm (UTC)
Re: Aren't threats actually a crime?
Indeed, this is a new low for Nigerian spam and should be treated as a serious threat just to teach them a lesson.
secoh
Nov. 10th, 2011 12:12 am (UTC)
this is a perfect opportunity to give their payment details to those scammers offering money to get the nigerian prince out of the country etc. Being the catalyst to get one scammer to interact with another scammer is satisfying.
coyoty
Nov. 10th, 2011 10:49 am (UTC)
Achmed the Dead Black-emailer? "my duty as I am mailing you now is just to (KILL YOU )"
deckardcanine
Nov. 10th, 2011 02:39 pm (UTC)
Hey, wait a minute.... I see nothing here to indicate Nigeria. Did you act on prejudice this time?
ccdesan
Nov. 10th, 2011 03:18 pm (UTC)
If it walks like a duck, etc. I have seen enough Nigerian spam in my lifetime that it stands out like a bar of soap in a coal scuttle. Chinese scammers have a different way of mangling English, as do Eastern Europeans. I may not be 'Enry 'Iggins, but a career spent as a linguist gives me a leg up.
r_caton
Nov. 10th, 2011 04:04 pm (UTC)
Best let Yahoo know, too.

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ccdesan
The Old Wolf
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