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Dear M.,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I dislike your eyelashes. I think I realized it when you put cuffs on me in a clown suit and I saw you hit on my father. I'm sure you're scarred enough to understand how awful you are. I'm returning your love letters to me, but I'll keep that oil tank from your car as a memory. You should also know that I always wanted to break your legs and I'm off to lead a new life as a lemon.

Greetings to your frog Leonard,

me



Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12),
(Your name)

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I'm joining the Convent
Black - Our romance is over
Green - Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other - I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February - When I quoted Forrest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I finally changed my underwear
June - When you put cuffs on me
July - When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I threw up in your sock drawer

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Chicken - In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad - As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Seafood - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Other - With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bite off
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey - The Catholic Priest
Brown - The Montreal Canadiens' goalie
Purple - My best friend
Red - My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink - Your "My Little Pony" collection
Other - The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes - Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons - Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Drunk
Top Model - Middle-class
Other - Ashamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed - That we're related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your love letters to me
Yellow - Your toe ring
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - The oil tank from your car
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X - Your suicide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F - Never will forget that night
G/H - Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J - Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Want your brother instead of you
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Get sick when I think of your feet
S/T - Always wanted to break your legs
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven't showered in a month
Y/Z - Am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink - I'm off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda - I will haunt you when I'm reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water - I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider - I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice - You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Snapple/Vitamin water - You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate - Your cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer - Thanks for the cocaine
Other - you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand - Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China - You make me sick
Germany - Please don't hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - your everlasting enemy
USA - Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt - Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself


So what did you get?


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respective-eponymous

Comments

fearciuil
Jul. 4th, 2009 05:45 am (UTC)
When I copied the directions, I missed the blank letter (oops) ... fixed now. Not sure it would make a difference for yours. ;D
ccdesan
Jul. 4th, 2009 06:01 am (UTC)
That actually helps it make more sense to the uninitiated - fixed!
deckardcanine
Jul. 4th, 2009 03:34 pm (UTC)
Wait -- "soft drink" is counted separately from "soda"?
carlfoxmarten
Jul. 4th, 2009 06:23 pm (UTC)
There's quite a lot of wiggle room on some of that, though it's quite fun.
(soda vs soft drink as Deckard mentioned, as well as favourites being rather flexible depending on your mood)

Dear P.,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but you're a leprechaun. I think I realized it that night you picked your nose under the bus and I saw you sit on my father. I'm sure you're ashamed enough to understand how awful you are. I'm returning your love letters to me, but I'll keep the oil tank from your car as a memory. You should also know that I hate your cooking and you should stop picking your nose.
Go drown yourself,
Carl.
ccdesan
Jul. 4th, 2009 06:46 pm (UTC)
Hehe, that's a good one.

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ccdesan
The Old Wolf
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